Another year in my life has come and gone. It seems like the older I get, the faster time goes by. I know I've heard many people before me say that but it never seemed real until recently. Turning 30 this year was a big benchmark for me. I always looked forward to my birthday and then, it happened - for the first time in my life, I dreaded that day. Somewhere, in my mind, being 30 meant I was finally 'old'. Scary, isn't it? Well, not for some people. I guess I do not handle aging as well as I expected. I find myself wishing crazy thoughts, as if those thoughts will bring me back in time. I close my eyes and imagine I am back in high school, sitting in the hallway by the front office with my closest friends. We're gabbing about the snobby bitches and assholes who walk around thinking their shit does not stink. We're laughing at the goofy things so-and-so said in class. It was the most irresponsible and exciting period in my teenage life.
Now that I'm all grown up, I must admit that life has treated me pretty well. I met the love of my life and married at 25. I held onto some of my closest friendships from A.J. I have an amazing family who supports me in whatever endeavors I choose to take. My husband and I have three sweet babies (pets!), they are our world. I feel like every wish I ever dreamed of came true. But there is still one thing missing. We have been trying to get pregnant for several years now. After a couple of years of no success, we started working with infertility doctors. Move after move, we started over every time, more motivated and encouraged with each step. Still, three years working with doctors and various fertility medications, it seemed as if it would never happen. I thought that maybe God did not have plans for me to be a mother. Or worse, maybe there is a reason I did not get pregnant - were some of my mistakes so big or so bad that He felt I did not deserve children? My husband reminded me that all kinds of people, even those who should not be parents, have kids. True. Very true.
As 2011 ends, I have one thing to look forward too in the New Year - we start our IVF meds in January and hope to follow through with an embryo transfer by the end of the month. Fingers crossed, we'll be pregnant by February. I try not to get ahead of myself because nothing is 100%, but I really feel like it is finally going to happen for us. I pray it does. Otherwise, it may be another year before we can afford to try IVF again.
If you're a religious person, we'd really appreciate your prayers. If you are not, we'll take every good thought, vibe, hope, and wish you can send our way.
Farewell 2011...it's been good but I'm ready to move on to 2012. :)
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